september 22

so i really should be asleep since it is 11, but there is just no point in trying right now. i really just want to go back like 2 hours ago and repeat so i could change my choices. i would have chosen not to pick up my computer and to pretty much just go straight to bed. i saw one little thing online and it just got my mind running in so many different directions and i really don't know what i should do. i know what i want to do and how i want to react, but i really want to have my actions be pleasing to god and right now they wouldn't be. i have just been overly sensitive and over thinking everything this week and i really don't know why. i think god is really working on my heart right now about coveting. i never really thought of myself as a person that covets a lot or gets overly jealous (some of you reading this may disagree and that's ok!) you know i would see things that other's have and think oh that's nice, but i didn't really feel like i was sinfully coveting what they had. well boy was i wrong. the sermon at the summit this past sunday was on coveting and then being at small group tonight made me really realize that i break this commandment repeatedly, daily!

just last night i was in class and i had read and taken notes and studied the notes for my quizzes every week and i have made 8/10 on all of them! now trust me, i know i know, but michele an 8/10 is not bad.... this i know but geez i work so hard can't i just get that perfect 10/10 already! then the guy next to me (not in a mean way just sorta laughing at himself) stated wow that was cool, i didn't even do the reading and i got a 10. i was so mad!!!! not necessarily at him, just at the situation. that threw me off for like the first half hour of the class... hello michele this in point is coveting. i was coveting his ability to make good educated guesses and his overall basic knowledge of the bible without have to read, reread, and take notes.

also as most of you know, i am single. i knew that i wanted to be married, but i never really put that up there with coveting either. wow after typing all of this i feel like such a self-righteous person. i guess i was truly blind to my sin! also in my mind i had tied coveting to having something that someone (specific) has, and that isn't the case at all. while there isn't a single married friend that i just want exactly what they have or want their husband, but i do covet the fact that they have someone who loves them to come home to every night. they have someone to share their days with in the good times and the bad. so once i analyzed my heart and spent some time in prayer the spirit really convicted me to my sinfulness.

now the question is what to do about it. how do i continue to work for my grades and pray for a husband without it becoming an idol or my coveting. this is my new goal for right now is to find that balance. i want to put all aspects of my life in god's hands and not bargain or beg him for the things that i am making an idol by coveting it and putting it before my relationship with him.

ok so this is me spilling out things that god has put on my heart as i have struggled with some things over the past few hours. i'm really not sure if anyone out there is reading this, but i challenge you to think about what you are coveting, and trust me everyone is coveting something even if you think you aren't. identify these and work on them because breaking this one commandment, is also breaking the first one by idolizing something other than god! thanks for listening/reading :)